Sick Carousel

I remember describing my style in writing, "I write some time after my emotions have subsided. Yes, I do put in a lot of myself to what I write, but I do not add clues explicitly. Knowing me through my writing is always something that my readers need to figure out."

This post is different from the others, since as I started to compose this entry, I've just finished wiping off my last tear, and holding off another one not to fall as I finish off this sentence (but I'm smiling now). I've listened to Skillet's "Angels Fall Down" to heighten my mood, and is currently listening to Superchic[k]'s "I Belong To You" to keep the pace.

I am a very careful person. I think whether what I should do is right, even when the path that I will tread is already the obvious right direction to take. So before writing this one, I battled it out in my mind... I will just sound insane by saying these things now, by writing things that will be vague to the readers, by telling people what kind of person I am, yet deviating from his own description with his own writing that gave his readers his self-perception. All the same, I feel good now.

I hate the fact that I have my own personal evils. Yes, I am a very careful person. And being careful and being selfish are not non-mutually exclusive events. I am careful, yet at times, most of the times, I am selfish. Selfish enough to abandon the right path to take, selfish enough to forget my identity that many people know as the identity I profess. I hate it... raising my white flag, when I have not yet geared out for the usual battle in my mind that should already be instinctly embedded in me. I hate forgetting The Cross.

Cyclical. That's what I hate. I just remember my defeat when the damage has already been done. When my friends and my immediate support group come rushing in to my side. Again, I battle out in my mind, "Am I writing this because I hate being cyclical?", "Am I doing this to feed my eccentric nature?" I think I already know the answer. And putting the previous sentence lessens the drama. Ha, I sound insane alright. Then so be it. I hate this cycle. I am eccentric, but not the reason for this one. And I am insane. Rather be that than selfish.