skip to main |
skip to sidebar
1. 40% sp completion
2. my mom arrived from ksa
3. pitch black
4. recurring snapshots of drowning
5. trying to hear Him after 22 revolutions around the sun
6. disneyland tours and resort stay anyone?
7. disneyland no paradise
8. glorious with expats all around
8. best sp nomination
9. 10 meters, 1st since pitch black
10. great march on the grand lawn
11. the tiger roars
12. revealed crack on the weak foundation
13. foundation and light back to roots
14. church visit at last
15. foundation plastered? not so. light ever fighting
16. the lion roars
17. all my sons and all the drama
18. decision towards noble paths
19. my mom went back to ksa
20. invasion of the high-tech hallway
21. 2-3 meters, 2nd after pitch black
22. calloused heart
tomorrow: shaving the callus, that i claim, yet not in a day... not in a day, but in all of yet to come. that is what i hope.
I remember describing my style in writing, "I write some time after my emotions have subsided. Yes, I do put in a lot of myself to what I write, but I do not add clues explicitly. Knowing me through my writing is always something that my readers need to figure out."
This post is different from the others, since as I started to compose this entry, I've just finished wiping off my last tear, and holding off another one not to fall as I finish off this sentence (but I'm smiling now). I've listened to Skillet's "Angels Fall Down" to heighten my mood, and is currently listening to Superchic[k]'s "I Belong To You" to keep the pace.
I am a very careful person. I think whether what I should do is right, even when the path that I will tread is already the obvious right direction to take. So before writing this one, I battled it out in my mind... I will just sound insane by saying these things now, by writing things that will be vague to the readers, by telling people what kind of person I am, yet deviating from his own description with his own writing that gave his readers his self-perception. All the same, I feel good now.
I hate the fact that I have my own personal evils. Yes, I am a very careful person. And being careful and being selfish are not non-mutually exclusive events. I am careful, yet at times, most of the times, I am selfish. Selfish enough to abandon the right path to take, selfish enough to forget my identity that many people know as the identity I profess. I hate it... raising my white flag, when I have not yet geared out for the usual battle in my mind that should already be instinctly embedded in me. I hate forgetting The Cross.
Cyclical. That's what I hate. I just remember my defeat when the damage has already been done. When my friends and my immediate support group come rushing in to my side. Again, I battle out in my mind, "Am I writing this because I hate being cyclical?", "Am I doing this to feed my eccentric nature?" I think I already know the answer. And putting the previous sentence lessens the drama. Ha, I sound insane alright. Then so be it. I hate this cycle. I am eccentric, but not the reason for this one. And I am insane. Rather be that than selfish.
