I had dinner with my best friend yesterday. We're in this stage of life where both of us are now working, and both of us are feeling the "pressure", or a tinge of pressure in giving back to our families. Well of course, the pressure is greater on him since he still lives with his family. Anyway, pointless as it is, just like my previous post, I will not be dealing with our conversation in last night's dinner (this is beginning to be my style in my blog entries).
Last night, I went home early (11:15, I think) and texted two of the boys in I5 (where I came from before going home to H6) with a quote from George Elliot. "There is no despair so absolute as that which comes with the first moments of our first great sorrow, when we have not yet known what it is to have suffered and be healed, to have despaired and recovered large." College drama it is, and yeah, got the quote from one of the episodes of One Tree Hill, whose fifth season is coming soon (well, I think). I won't divulge why I sent the boys that message... That certain message I sent them was found under the "World Spinner" folder where I keep messages that center around thing(s) which I think are necessary for making this world spin. No, I'm not talking about centrifugal force, gravity, and all the geek stuff. Rather, think anything cheesy(?) like love, and those sort of things.
Since I was already in the folders section of my phone, I went on and browsed through the other folders of my saved messages. There are two "forbidden" folders in my phone entitled "personal messages" and "personal conversations" (yeah, isn't it obvious with the names of the folders?) I checked out these two folders last night, as my practice is whenever I want to reminisce, knowing that I "cleaned" those folders two to three months ago. What I checked in particular last night was if who were the people whose messages I saved in the said two folders. I was very carefree in scanning the messages until I came about her name in the "personal messages" folder. There were three messages of her that I have overlooked upon my "cleaning" two to three months back...
I instantaneously deleted the first message that I saw containing that damned greetings of ours, that damned greeting, which for months, or even for more than a year, I knew was ours. People say that guys are very assuming, assuming in the sense that we assume more than what girls really want to say with their words and actions. I say, that may be true, but there is also a line between being harmlessly innocent and being deliberately passive. And yes, I'm talking about the girls' responsibility in shaking off someone whom they are not interested with. Though I don't practice it, and I don't advocate it, I do understand that the good thing about the "Pinoy ligawan" is the man's declaration of his pursuit for the girl. In my case however, I think five years of actions can speak louder than words. And even without those five years, isn't four months of questions a bit too long? And yeah, did I forget to mention that she and I were former good friends, if not the best of friends. I admit, and she was also saddened, that I questioned that friendship. But maybe, years of highs and lows in that friendship has pushed us both to where we are now.
Last week, another friend asked me if I will just leave things between us as they are, as she is nearing her permanent exit from the university. Also, this week, or in the coming weeks, she will be leaving temporarily for a requirement in her course... I can't sleep last night. Even in my sleep, I was bugged with dreams of our status quo... I'm tired. I know she is too. She told me, many words we have told each other before, things that hurt and things that may have over and over again scarred our already dim friendship.
I'm tired. Every time I think about it, the more I get tired. No matter how I scoff the issue, it simply saps out the chocolate highs out of me. During the past months, I can still count the unguarded times that we met inside the university and passed by as if we have not met someone we knew. The intention of our eyes not meeting make the atmosphere even heavier. Let me just reiterate that we are friends, or at least, we were. Yeah, I offered a path to reconciliation. I think, that it is her desire too. It's just that I'm simply tired of me just exerting everything and getting no response from her. I just don't understand why she won't simply exert the effort with the reason of our previous hurts, when in my side, I'm hurting too and setting those things aside just to get things fixed. I'm cornered that no matter what I do, the damage is getting deeper. I'm tired.
Yes, I've deleted the first message I saw. The next two messages, I thought thrice and decided to keep them. The next two messages contained an inquiry of my SP presentation time (last year) and an encouragement that I could do it. The messages were sent ten and a half months ago. I decided to keep them because I want to keep hope that things are gonna be okay, despite how tired I am right now of the situation. Things are gonna be okay, I hope it will. And if it doesn't,... I don't know what to say next.
